How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What sort of file do you need to make a small hole bigger?

A pedophile.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates.
"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "Pity she's a man."
The man is shocked. "Fuck off she is." he says.
"No, it's true. A friend of mine knows him personally."
The man is disappointed that such a fine looking woman, is in fact a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is.
So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a conversation. They hit it off really well. and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close up. Before long the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees. Before the man can say 'fuckmewithatenfootbargepole' they have driven to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. The continue the 'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.
This is my chance says the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is."
So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.
"Fuck me she's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." the man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.
"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"
"And I didn't know you were taking a shit." the man replies.

There was this 92-year-old woman whose body was covered from head to toe with big festering pus-filled boils. They were on her face, her arms and her legs...everywhere. Each was filled with mucus and blood.
This old lady was also a masochist, so she put an ad in the paper offering to pay anyone five thousand dollars if they would bite off each and every one of her boils. She didn't get any immediate response, but sure enough after a while this guy was desperate for money and agreed to do the job. He showed up at the woman's house and she came out in a robe. She peeled it off and revealed her boil covered body. The guy groaned at the tought of the task ahead of him, but he just kept concentrating on the five grand and went to work,  biting on a boil on the woman's arm until it popped blood and puss all over his face.
He kept going for over five hours, biting off the boils between the elderly woman's toes and in her armpits. He bit off boils on her inner thighs and inside  of her ears. Finally he was finished and he fell back with a pant, covered with
blood, pus, mucous and dripping with sweat. The woman lay on the bed a mass of crimson patches of bruises and ripped flesh.
"Okay lady…" the man said with a gasp, "I did it… Now give me the five grand..."
"Just a second, sonny…" the woman said with a grin, "There's one more left!"
She bent over and spread her wrinkled withered butt cheeks to reveal a gigantic boil about the size of a baby's head growing right out of her ass. The man rolled his eyes and gagged and said to himself..."What the hell, I've gone this
far...only one left...I need the money...what the hell..." and then dove face first at the butt boil, gnawing and biting at it repeatedly trying to make it pop.
Then, out of the blue, the old woman let out a giant fart.
The man reeled back from between her butt crack and yelled at her:
"WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY...MAKE ME SICK?"

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum."
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

Why doesn't Bosnia have an Olympic team?
Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already over the border

What's this? (stand with your arms outstretched, like an airplane)
A really shitty way to spend Easter

Q. What's red and white and sits in trees?
A.A sanitry owl.

Two homeless drunken fuck-ups are wandering through the streets at an ungodly hour scrounging through rubbish bins, dumpsters and such for their dinner. The first guy looks up and says "Hey, I just found a dead rat- you want some?" whereupon the second shakes his head in disgust and says "no way, are you outta your mind?!?". The first guy says, "fine, more for me" and proceeds to scoff down the dead rat.
About 20 minutes later, the first guy finds a dead squirrel. The second again refuses his offer to share, and the first again chows down on the offensive fare.
Less than 10 minutes after that, the first finds a dead cat, and the same scenario unfolds.
Later that night, the first guy vomits up the entire contents of his stomach.
"AHHH!" says the second. "Just what I've been waiting for - a hot meal!"

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with
nothing on from  the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?"  he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at  him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!!"

The successful (and handsome) contractor parked his brand-new Porsche Boxster in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door. The contractor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 999, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the contractor started
screaming hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the contractor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you contractors are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the contractor arrogantly.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your right arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Fuck!" screamed the contractor. "Where's my Rolex?"

A man walks into a bar that is trying sponsoring the ultimate off-the-wall politically incorrect contest--dwarf tossing is nothing compared to this! The contest is for the man who brings a wife or girlfriend with the smelliest pussy. Our hero walks up to the stage and tells the M.C. the contest is as good as over; in a minute he will bring in the smelliest pussy in the world! The M.C. says to go ahead and everyone gasps as the man drags in a huge, fat, bloated woman. "Look at her!" says the M.C., "She's so fat and bloated she can't even walk! My God her pussy stinks!"
When she reaches the stage the M.C. is ready to concede the contest even before the man pulls up her skirt and drops her panties. When he does this the audience starts gagging and retching right and left! The M.C. hurriedly passes our man the prize money and says "You certainly won this hands down, but tell me: How on earth can you live with the smell of this woman's cunt?"
"It's not really that hard. You kind of get used to it." says the winner, "After all, she's been dead about two weeks now!"

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his £50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his £50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
"Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pyjamas off."

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre… So the barman gave her one!

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch Bic?"

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon.
He gets to the end of the bar and asks, "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong replies, "well yes I am how may I help you?" The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. "I am a journalist" replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies "Oh, Okay." The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said "Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind", but what I really said was "once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline."
"Who the hell is Matt Kline?" replied the man.
"Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didn't make the cut," said Armstrong.
"Okay" replied the man.
"Well one day I was the best man at Matt's wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matt's wife say, 'the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!"

An Irishman walks into a bar as the bartender turns away in disgust from seeing the pile of shit the Irishman is holding. "Hey Harry---Look what I almost stepped in!"

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

A guy walks into a bar. His buddy laughs and says, "Don't worry, I didn't see it either." (What's that one doing here? - DJ Ess)

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . .

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