Arse End

Welcome (almost) to the end of this months HSLife. I hope you have had fun. The idea behind Arse End (Arse means the same as Ass, Americans) is an ongoing story, which you, the reader, will write, a bit at a time. Simple, huh? Now, the story so far is that Princess Breasts has been kidnapped, and she has been rescued by the Ninja's Of Da Hood, and a stranger has arrived to help them get away. So, well done to TIM (snigger) BUMBPLICK, who wins himself massive respect, and a copy of Rally Champions for the PC. If you want to continue where Tim left off, send your entry to squirrell100@ yahoo.co.uk and we'll certainly consider you. Ai'i?

PRINCESS BREASTS IS KIDNAPPED!

Month One : Author - DJ Ess

Three men threw Princess Breasts into the dungeon. One stayed outside the big, wooden door, as if to dismiss any clever idea's she had, and the other two left. In the corner of the dungeon was a ragged, white-bearded man with tatty clothes. He had obviously been a prisoner for some time.
Princess Breasts started to feverishly search the walls of the dungeon, looking for a tell-tale crack or lever.
"It's useless to try and escape, you know, Princess." said the haggard man in the corner.
"It's try to escape, you idiot." sneered the Private-School educated Princess. "If I try and escape, I succeed. God, I hate you illiterates."
"An illiterate cannot read, Princess." said the haggard man. "I was merely being grammatically slack." He jabbed his middle finger in the direction of her Highness.
The Princess gave up, and sat down.
"Why are you here, anyway?" she asked the haggard man.
"I think it's because DJ Ess wanted to work in that 'grammatically slack' joke, and it wouldn't have been funny with only one person. It struggled enough with two."
"Ah, I see." She nodded understandably.
"Why are you here?"
"It's a long story." said Princess Breasts.
"We've got a long time." said the haggard man.
"Well…" begun the Princess. 

Month Two : Author - Matt Laney

"Well…" begun the Princess. "It's because I wouldn't sleep with the Prince. So, well, not such a long story, really."
"You wouldn't sleep with you husband?" the haggard man questioned, sagely stroking his white beard.
"No, no, I don't have a husband. The Prince is my brother."
"Oh my god! Why would they have wanted you to sleep with your own brother?" asked the shocked haggard man.

"That's just the way things are done in Hazzard County."

"What? I'm in Hazzard County?"

"Well, yes'sir!"

"So you must be... Daisy Duke?"

"No, I'm Daisy's sister, Daphne Duke."

"You sure look like Daisy."

"I've got bigger boobs. That's why I'm also known as Princess Breasts."

"But who is the prince of Hazzard County? Surely the county is run by Sheriff Roscoe and Boss Hogg, not a monarchy?"

"Well..."

   At that very moment (fortunately) they was the sound of a struggle outside the door.

"Bo? Luke? Is that you?" called out the Princess. The door swung open to reveal two men.

"You aren't Bo and Luke." said the Princess.

"Oh, my God!" said the haggard man. "It's... It's..."

"Who?" said the Princess. "Spit it out, Haggard Man!"

Month Three : Author - Ben Affman

"'Tis us."

"Gonorsan J and Taiwo P."

"Oh, thank God!" spluttered the Princess, gazing adoringly at the two rude-boy ninja's. "Have you come to get us out of here?"

There was a bright flash as Taiwo P's camera took a picture. The ninja's grinned.

"'Fraid not." said Gonorsan J. "We has only come to see your fabled tits."

"And may I say, day is wikkid!" pointed out Taiwo P.

"I is telling ya what," said Gonorsan J, "We will leave this door open for you. Shift this dead guard to prop it open, m'ninja."

"T'is sorted. Let's us go, m'ninja."

"S'later!"

"S'later!"

"Er, yeah." said the haggard man. "Bye."

   Princess Breasts and the haggard man followed through the door, just in time to see the ninja mota' pull out into the road. An oncoming Dodge Charger swerved to avoid them and smacked into the solid wall of the cell. The two occupants flew through the wind(screen - DJ Ess) in an explosion of glass, and landed in a heap on the floor.

"Bo! Luke!" screamed Princess Breasts.

"I've never seen them get out of the General Lee through that window..." said the haggard man, stroking his beard.

"Come on!" said Princess Breasts, helping a groggy Bo to his feet. "Get this heap of shit running and let's go! We've got to get out of here."

A voice from behind them caused them all to jump.

"Maybe I can help..." It said.

Month Four : Author - Tim Bumbplick (Is that seriously your real name? - DJ Ess)

"Good God!" said Princess Breasts, "You're... Ash, the guy from Night Of The Living Dead one, two and three.*"

"Groovy." said Ash, nodding.

"How can you help?" the haggard man asked.

As if in answer, Ash turned to the General Lee, and, exchanging his chainsaw-arm for a panel beating kit, quickly repaired the damaged car.

"Groovy." he said, replacing his Chainsaw.

In they all jumped, and the General roared off.

Later, back at the Duke farm, the haggard man was talking to Bo Duke about his life in jail. Ash walked over to join them, having just finished being 'thanked' by Daisy Duke and Princess Breasts in the hay barn*.

"Groovy." said Ash, who looked tired but had a huge grin on his face.

"So, Haggard Man, exactly why were you in jail?" asked Daisy Duke, who was dressed as a schoolgirl*.

"Well..." began the haggard man.

Month Five : Author - Tony Yorke 

"...I am a fuck-hard samurai from the fifth century. I may not look up to much but once I've had a shave I look well solid."

"Mmmff-mfffmm-muph." said Daisy Duke. Ash let go of her head and she emptied her mouth* and tried again. "Who is that?"

"Who?" said the haggard man.

"Mmmff."

Giving up, Daisy just pointed.

"My God!" shouted the haggard man, "It's Raxin-Fraxin*, the most evil and demented sorcerer in the universe!"

The haggard man leapt to his feet in a very fluid move, and ran toward Raxin-Fraxin. They engaged in a frantic hand-to-hand battle to the death, each one parrying the others blows. 

After five minutes of frenzied battling, the haggard man called out to Ash.

"Can you help?"

Sighing, Ash pulled a shotgun from under the bale he was sitting on, and, pointing it over his right shoulder, blew Raxin-Fraxin's head off without looking.

"Groovy." He said.

"What did he want?" asked Princess Breasts.

"Well..." began the haggard man again.

So! WHAT was Raxin-Fraxin doing? CAN the dynamic foursome be beaten? And JUST WHAT is going to happen next month?

Send your contributions straight to DJ Ess and, if you want to win, make your stories funny, clean(ish), and try to leave them on a bit of a Cliffhanger. Can you also try to make them a reasonable length, I don't want to read an essay   See y'all next month!