As the two hero's from "Ninja's In Da Hood", Gonorsan "J" and Taiwo "P" would say,
   "Check it. I ain't getting wit' no mota that be lacking' in bangin' sounds, man."
   "I hear ya. That is like, not wik-ked, you know what I'm sayin'?"
   So what happens if the two ninja hero's need a ride, and your car is spluttering out farty bass from a set of tinny speakers? They wouldn't get in, and then what could happen to their bitches? Anything! And it would be your fault!
   So rectify this problem immediately. I, DJ Ess, will guide you in purchasing and installing a bangin' system in your car.
   Right, first, you need some money, and for anything half-way decent, you're looking at a minimum of 3 ponies. It may sound like a lot, but you'll be pleased you spent the cash when it's all finished. So trip down to NatWest, and cash in.
   Got your money? Right. Plan a weekend to do this in. It's quite a bit of work, but you'll get it done, weather permitting. Have a look at your car. What stereo have you already got as standard? If you've got one of these silly things that are built into the dash, you have two choices. You can either work around it, (which means cutting holes in your dash, I'll leave that to you), or go down to the pub and spend 3 ponies on beer. These little bastards may be hard to steal, but they are an arse to change.
   Okay. So there is your pathetic little piss-box stereo. Get it out!

Step one : Ingredients.

Small Phillips screwdriver.
Small  flat-head screwdriver.
Large Phillips screwdriver.
A adjustable spanner.
Wire cutters.
Wire strippers.
Power drill.
Jigsaw cutter.
Soldering Iron. (Don't lend one to Fitchy.)
Either a hot glue gun or some expanding filler foam.
Masking tape
Black Biro
Black marker pen
A four pack of Fosters, or whatever beer you like in a can.
A car.
£300

Step two : Shopping.

Get out your owners manual, and rip that old stereo out of your car. It may be a piece of junk, but keep hold of it. Now, grab your favorite tape, and trip into town. It's time to go shopping. First, go to the local dealer, not some authorised, rip you off merchant (Hello Halfords), and step in. You can pick up a quality, second hand head unit (that's the bit with the tape player in,) for a pony. If you want a CD player, you may have to pay about 3 bar more, but not much. Tell the bloke "I want a new head unit with a removable front panel. Something with 25 RMS on 4 channels."
The guy will, unlike you, know exactly what you are talking about. He'll wander off and come back with a new unit for you. Check it over, look for obvious damage, dents, scratches, rust on connectors, that kind of thing. Don't be afraid to ask the guy for a test. Give him your tape, and have a listen. Listen to what the guy says, because if he says it does something and it doesn't, you've got 16 days to bring it back again. That's the law. Make sure it has got at least 25 watts per channel, because otherwise your system will sound a bit pants. It will have something like 4x25w on the front. Now, take a look at your old unit. See the bit the arial plugs into? Like a big hole with a small hole in? Yeah? Now, look for it on your new stereo. Are they the same size? If you don't think so, feel free to ask stereo man, and if not, ask for an adapter. He should give you it for free. Also look for two, or more, connections on the back for low-output audio cables. The will be next to each other, one red, and one white. If it doesn't have any, ask for a stereo that does. "It's got to run an amp." tell him. Also, ask him to point out, and write down, which connection is the permanent live, which is for the ignition live, and which is earth.
   Find out how much you'll old stereo is worth part-exchange. You never know, you might get twenty quid for it. Put the two radio's down on the counter. Go up to the speaker section, and look at them, because you need a set of ovals for your rear shelf. Any salesman worth anything will come and help you out. Say "Yeah, I'm looking for a set of six by nines, something with good treble to go with a set of subs."
He will again know what you are talking about, and will point you to a speaker. Refuse totally to pay more than 6 bar for the set, but trust his judgment, and say, "Yeah. They'll do. What have you got in the way of twelve inch subs?"
At this point, looking at his commission, he will probably start to dribble, and turn into your best mate. Tell him that you don't really want anything above fifty pounds, but you want high power. Truth is, you'll never get a good sub for less than 7 bar, but that way, now he's your friend, he'll find you the best cheap and cheerful sub in his shop. Now hit him with your next order. "And a second hand 150 watt bridgeable amp, to run it." The guy will happily point at a amplifier for you, anything with 150 watts is fine, but make sure with the guy that it is bridgeable, and make sure that it has something called a crossover on it. Ask the guy, he'll point it out to you. Don't get one that costs more than 6 bar, and feel free to ask him to test it. Put all of your stuff on the counter. Now it's time to part with some cash. Add up what you've brought.
Say, £100 for the stereo, £60 on rear speakers, £60 on the sub, £60 on the amp, that's £280. Say to the guy, "I'll throw in my old stereo and you throw in 15 meters of speaker cable, 10 meters of electrical cable, one meter of high power sub cable, and a 8 meter low output audio cable, and I'll give you £250, cash."
You are probably pushing your luck a bit, but refuse to pay more than 27 bar and the guy will probably be happy. Go to your local DIY shop. Say to someone that you want some wood cut. Tell them the wood is for a speaker box. Say that you want two bits at fifteen inches square, and four bits twelve inches by fifteen inches, to make a box. Ask the to cut an eleven inch diameter hole in the middle of one of the square pieces. They should bring you back all the wood you need for your sub box. It won't cost any more than 5 notes. Get a pack of twenty five 2 inch phillips head wood screws, and a pack of ten 1 inch phillips head wood screws. Altogether, it will cost about £27 - £29 pounds.   
Take all the stuff home. Check it out! And that was the easy bit...

Step three : Build your sub box.

Get your drill. Get your pack of long screws. To avoid insulting you, I'm not about to explain how to put a box together. Drill holes for the screws, and put it together. Now, put it onto the floor with the hole facing downward. Unscrew and take off the top piece. You can now see into your box. Grab your hot glue-gun, or whatever you have, and carefully go along the joins in the bits of wood, sealing them up. Once you've done that, screw the top back on, and put your arm through the hole, and seal that bit on, too.
   Now, grab your amp. Put the box down so that the hole is facing you (i.e. one of the smaller pieces of wood is on the bottom), and place your amp on the top of the box. Screw it on. Look for the output on your amp. It will probably have "output" written above a set of four screw connectors. Get your high power music cable. Connect the positive wire (The one without a black line on) to the positive (+) connector that the amp says is bridged. It's probably the one on the outside. Now connect the negative wire to the other bridged connection. Drill a hole in the box near to the amp, and push the wires through. Grab that sub. Put it in the hole you had cut at the DIY shop, and make sure it sits well. If the hole is too small, get your jigsaw cutter and shave little bits off at a time until the sub fits. Don't cut off too much, or you won't be able to screw it in properly. Look at the bottom, and it will have two connectors. One will have something like a plus sign, or a red dot. That is the positive connector. Bring the high power wires through the big hole on the front of your box. Attach the other end of the positive wire to the positive connection on your sub. Make damn sure that you've got the right one. Get it wrong and your sub is liable to tear itself apart. If you've got the right connectors, then slot it on, otherwise solder it on. Now do the same with the negative wire. Put your box on it's back, with the big hole facing up. Place your sub in the hole, and walk around the box until you are standing next to your amp. Twist the sub until the writing on the speaker cone is upside down. This is where you want it. Drill the appropriate holes, and screw your sub in. Push the wires through the small hole by the amp until they are tidy. Don't make them too tight, or you'll put a strain on the amp. So, you've hidden most of the wire in the box. Grab your glue gun, and seal that hole up good. Pick up the box. Feels meaty, yeah? Good and heavy? Great.

Step four : Essential break.

Grab a can of fosters. Open it, and suck it down. That's better.

Step five : Install your new rear speakers.

Take your parcel shelf out of your car. Get one of your oval speakers (which from herein will be referred to as ovals) and take the grill off. It should just pull out. Now pull the bit with the screw holes in off. If it doesn't come off, swear at it, because it has just made your life harder. Lets assume it comes off.  Place it on your parcel shelf, where you want one of your speakers to go. If you put it on at an angle, it not only looks better but allows more room for another set, if you want to upgrade later. Draw around the inside with the black marker. Do the same on the other end of your parcel shelf for the other speaker. If you couldn't get the bit with the screwing holes off, (stop sniggering at the back), then use the grill to draw around instead. It probably won't be big enough, but you can sort that out in a minute. Drill a hole in the centre of the oval you have marked out, and use the jigsaw to cut along your markings. Pop in your rear speakers, drill appropriate holes for the screws and screw it in. If they don't fit, then, again, use your jigsaw to shave small bits off until they do. Sorted! Leave the parcel shelf out of your car for now.

Step six : Another break.

Chug back another can of Fosters.

Step seven : Install your new radio.

Chances are that, if your car is second hand, all the wires where the stereo went are in a jumbled mess. Never trust the wiring that is already there. Whoever had Neville the Nova before me used black wire for positive and red for negative, so I happily wired up my sweet Sony head unit backwards and blew it to pieces. Anyway, find what looks like the positive wire (It'll be red, dumbass), and pull it out. Touch it on a bit of metal and see if it sparks. If it does, write "Permanent Live" on a bit of masking tape and stick it to the wire. If it doesn't, switch the ignition on and try again. If it sparks now, write "Ignition Live" on a bit of tape and stick it on. You should have both of these wires, so find them. Now, pull out the earth wire, which should be black. Touch your permanent live to it. If it sparks, then it is indeed your earth wire. Write "Earth" on a bit of masking tape and stick it on.
   Open your bonnet and use your spanner to disconnect the live terminal from your battery. Make sure it isn't touching. Now, get back in, and with the bit of paper the bloke from the stereo shop gave you with the connectors written on it, connect your head unit up accordingly. Now, put it halfway into the hole, or perhaps on a seat if your wires are long enough, and go and reconnect your battery. If you see lots of smoke, disconnect it again. Quickly. Get back in your car and look at your stereo. If you got it right, it shouldn't be doing anything, except for a back-light, perhaps. Switch the ignition on, and: Bugat! Up powers your stereo! Class! Switch it off again, and remove the front panel. Get the cables the guy gave you. Find the low power audio cable (it'll have a red connector and a white connector at each end), and plug them into the back of your radio, feeding them down behind the dash until you see them pop out somewhere. Now, from the same place as you found the power cable, look for some speaker cable. It normally looks like two pieces of wire joined at the middle, one with a black stripe on. Pull one pair out. If you have a car with only front speakers, there will only be two sets of wires. If you have front and rear speakers, there will be four sets. Connect the speaker cables into one of the slots in the head unit and turn it on. Put your tape in.
   At this point you can feel pretty pleased with yourself, because you did all of this on your own and now you can hear music. Cool! Identify which speaker the sound is coming out of, and write something on the cable. "RR" means rear right, "FL" front left, and you should be able to work to other two out yourself. Do this with both, or all four cables. Use the balance and fade settings on your head unit to work out which output is meant to go to which speaker. If your car didn't already have rear speakers in, get the speaker cable that you brought and cut it in half. Connect each bit to the two rear outputs. Again, feed it behind your dashboard. Connect your front speakers up, then plug your arial in. Get your electrical cable, cut about a meter off the end and save it for later. Get the longer piece of electrical cable and connect it to the ignition live. Feed that, too, down the back of your dash. Push the head unit all the way into the dash to lock it into place. Get whatever cables you have hanging from behind your dash and feed them across to the passenger side, and to the back of the car, keeping them as hidden as you can. Tucking them under the carpet holder along the edge works well. Go to the boot. Pick up your sub box, and put it in. Get it the right way up, with the sub facing the roof, and the amp nearest to the front of the car. The writing should be the right war up, yes? Use the adjustable spanner to loosen the bolt that holds your boot shut. (Open the boot first, obviously). Get the bit of electrical cable you cut off, strip a fair bit off the end and put it under the bolt. Now do the bolt up tight over it. Connect the other end of this wire to the negative terminal on your amp. Connect the other wire to the positive terminal. Go and turn your ignition on. You may hear a thud from the back of your car. Don't worry, this is normal. Is the power light on the amp on? If not, then check all your connections. Go and turn the ignition off again. Get the low power audio cable and plug it into your amp. Can you see the gain dial on your amp? It's like a volume dial. Turn it right down. Put your parcel shelf back in. If you already had rear speakers, disconnect them and connect the wires to your ovals. If you didn't, connect the speaker cable your brought. Make sure the ones with the black line go to the negative terminal.

Step eight : Another break

Hard fiddly work, huh? (In Bob, I have no doors, so I have to lay on the seat upside down to do his stereo, blood rushing to head… Dizzy… X-Files) Grab another can of larger.

Step nine  : Equalising

Get into the front of your car, and turn the ignition on. Turn the volume on the radio right down. Turn the bass right down and the treble up. Now push it up to about medium volume. Can you hear the difference in sound quality? Cool! Now, I know what you are asking. Where's the bass, right? Climb into the back of your car and let the seats down so you can see the amp. Turn the gain up until you get good, solid bass. That's better! Now, shut your seats up, and shut the boot. Get into your car, and shut all the doors. Does it sound good? Turn the radio up until it's as loud as it will go. If anything distorts, turn it down. If the bass speaker distorts, or you can't hear any of the normal music on top of it, turn the gain down a bit. You can always turn the bass up from the stereo while driving along, if need be. Once you've got it sounding good, do what everybody does. Grab your last tin of beer, stand outside you car, leave the volume right up and shut the door, and drink your last beer while you listen to what everyone else will hear as you drive by...
"Thud, thud, thud..."

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