Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He
tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when
he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked
all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a
parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" .
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your
name?".
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot." sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?".
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'
His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'
Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer please"
The bartender says "Certainly sir, that's £1.80 please"
And the pig goes "Well, the thing is before I came here I'd just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets."
And the bartender goes "Well that's all very well but why the round tale?"

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"

There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest. After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unfazed, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. Upon which seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs into the john. an hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left, so he ventures out and upon seeing the other piece of tarmac, he is asked why he ran off. To this he replies "Haven't you heard about him?, He's a CYCLE-PATH !!!!!!"

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening.
Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?"
"That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."

Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of Bud please" and the second donkey says "hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that"

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."
The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says "OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money."
The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: "The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?"
The woman says "Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for £200."
The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out £200, gives it to her and says "Paint my house."

There's these 3 girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) who walk into a bar and then a cop comes in a relized they were all under age so they all bolted. They ran into an alley where there were 3 trash bags...then the police come and the officer kicks the first one (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a bunch of cats" then he kicks the next one where the red haired girl was hiding and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a bunch of dogs" then he kicks the last bag where the blonde is hiding and she says "potato's potato's."

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her £50. The blonde politely takes the £50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep.

Two guys walk into a bar. One has to get stitches.

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

Two men walk into a bar both wearing long faces. The bartender asks the first man, "Why the long faces?"
The first man replied, "Well, my wife and I went out to dinner the other night and we had a gorgeous waitress. When I pointed to the menu to tell her what I wanted I said, 'I'd like a tit of bat,' but what I meant to say was, 'I'd like a bit of that!'
The bartender says, "Oh. How 'bout you, buddy?" he asked the other man.
"My wife and I were eating breakfast and I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter,' but it came out, 'You ruined my life bitch!'"

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"
the drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

A man walks into a bar with a pie on his head. He orders a beer.
The bartender asks "Why have you got a pie on your head?"
The man replies "It's Wednesday isn't it?"
"No it's Tuesday."
"Agh no!! I must look like a right pratt then!!"

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man sitting at the bar announces, "If anyone can drink 20 pints of Guinness, I will not only pay for it, but I'll give you a hundred dollars." The bartender pours the 20 pints and lines them up at the bar. The man sitting next to him gets up and leaves. He looks around, and no one is taking his challenge. The man who left, returns to the bar and announces proudly that he can drink all 20 pints. So he does. The man is amazed and gives him the money. Then he asks where he went.
"Well, I had to go to the bar next door and make sure I could do it first"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, "You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I'll jump off the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd."
He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.
"Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg.
Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's minds like that."

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