Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove
and refrigerator..

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with alot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blowjob.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

How do you get a woman to scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.

A bloke gets pulled over by the police,
"Excuse me sir, but have you been drinking tonight"
"Why officer ? Is there a fat bird in the car ?"

After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have determined that the human penis may be
classified according to one of five basic size groups: small, medium, large, "Oh my God!" and "Does that come in white?"

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar.
A bloke goes up to the women and says " I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it--please let me"
The lady turns round and says "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend came out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here??!!!"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"
Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"
So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!
"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"
Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?"
The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a pretty woman. He orders a drink and turns to her.
Guy: "Can I smell your pussy."
Woman: "Absolutely not!"
Guy: "Oh, it must be your feet".


A lady walks into a bar with a duck under each arm. The bartender says,"Hey! you can't bring that pig in here!"
The lady says,"It's not a pig, they're ducks."
"I was talking to the ducks!"

A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

Why did God invent women?
Because sheep can't wash up.

Why did God invent men?
Vibrators can't mow the lawn.

What are the useless, flappy bits of skin around the vagina called?
Women.

This is page J2