True Stories

I'm a farmer in a quiet, scenic part of south Yorkshire. There are rolling fields surrounded by lakes and woods - it really is a beautiful part of the world. However, as the summer holidays coincide with harvest-time, we do have a problem with kids. They seem to delight in setting fire to six foot round bales of straw and rolling them downhill, so when I spotted a group of people gathered in a field I had baled earlier I was pretty angry and tore towards them on my tractor. The sight of a ten-tonne machine hurtling toward them across a field must be pretty frightening, and it's usually enough to send the little terrors scampering off. But as I got nearer they refused to budge. I blared my horn and shouted at them to get the hell out of my field. By the time I was right upon them I was furious. It was only then that I realised they were all in their forties and fifties and were all wearing suits. Then an elderly lady said: "I'm sorry, we're observing a minute's silence. We've just scattered my husbands ashes here as he loved this place so much." Chris, Wentworth

I work in a science museum, and one of my jobs is to take people through our special effects section. One of the features is a giant blue room with a screen at the front, where people can watch themselves being transported to India or some such place via the miracle of blue screen. This particular group of people included a woman in a wheelchair, who sat near the front as she couldn't get up the steps. I explained how blue screen technology worked, and then the show began. I pointed out that the lady at the front must have blue trousers, as you couldn't see her legs. Everyone was silent, and then she said "Actually, I don't have any legs." Alan, Paris

Several years ago, a group of friends and I set of on our motorbikes for a day in Great Yarmouth. After an uneventful trip, we hit the local hostelries, and six hours later decided to find a place to stay for the night. Unfortunatly, as it was high season, most accommodation was fully booked and those places that weren't didn't seem to want a dozen pissed bikers. Eventually, most of us found places, except for two blokes who were more pissed than the rest of us, and decided they were going to sleep on a local beach. We all met up the next morning as planned, and, as expected, the two lads turned up looking a bit sorry for themselves and stinking like a sewage farm. When asked what happened, they explained that they had crashed on the beach in high tide, where they had found what they though was a mound of tarpaulin. But when they woke in the morning, they were horrified to discover that what had been keeping them warm all night was, in fact, the bloated carcass of a not-so-recently-deceased seal. Mark, Beds

At a college party several months ago, I found myself in the kitchen, drunk, and messing about with a knife. My friend and I were taking turns spinning the knife in the air and trying to catch it by its handle as it came down.

Obviously, I soon missed the handle and grabbed the knife by the blade, causing a really deep gash in my finger. I drained the blood into a glass to avoid ruining the floor, and attended to the wound. We managed to get about a third of a glassfull of blood, which we topped up with vodka, Worcestershire Sauce and a few drops of Tabasco. We gave the drink a swirl and decided to present it to the next person who walked into the kitchen. I'd like to take this opportunity to say to my mate Laney: That's the most authentic Bloody Mary you'll ever have. Ed, Hove

I have a really small cock, and when I first had sex my girlfriend laughed at me. Bob, Nowhere

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